Lost?

It doesn't matter how far apart we are now
You can add up all the miles in between
If you take a good look all around now
All you see is you and me

When I look at myself in the mirror
I see you standing there smiling at me
And I'm right back at the beginning
Lost inside this memory
I won't ever let go, all that I want to hold onto

That we belong together
Like the moon and stars and midnight
We'll be strong forever
Cuz we belong together

Doesn't matter how long that it takes you
Cuz I'll always be right by your side
And even when darkness awaits you
I'll be there to be your light

It's a hard lonely road
When you're standing outside in the cold

That we belong together
Like the moon and stars and midnight
We'll be strong forever
Cuz we belong together

Sometimes it's hard to learn to let go
Life always knows the right moments to show you what you needed

And we belong together
Like the moon and stars and midnight
And we belong together
Like the moon and stars and midnight

We'll be strong forever
Cuz we belong together

Excuse me, yeah I'm talking to you.
Look in the mirror, could you tell me what you see?
Hard hearts are crashing in a crowded room.
You never felt so good, you never felt so free.

Save you from yourself
Before you start to deal with everyone else.
You should have kept it to yourself,
Now we're looking to fight, this isn't alright.
Alright, you better hold your scripted tongue
If you ever plan to use those words again.
The future doesn't make much sense
With you at the helm with your friends.
This is where that ends.

You've got a problem here.
The tide is turning you inside out.

This won't take long your reign is done.
We are the innocent ones
You can't take back the damage done
This is the last time you will shine.

Spare us your excuse,
Cuz this exercise of self-abuse
Will swallow everything that you hold dear
The further you are, the closer we get,
The more you need to hold your scripted tongue
If you ever plan to use those words again.
The hallways are filled with silence
And gawking stares that don't care.
This is where that ends.

This won't take long your reign is done.
We are the innocent ones
You can't take back the damage done
This is the last time you will shine.

This is the last time

Give up

Don't give up

Which?

Being told today that getting married made me really grown up got me thinking. I realised its not like the world ever gave me a chance to do otherwise. I didnt get that great childhood be a kid thing. I got to grow up too early, I get to carry that around with me forever. Im proud of the fact that Ive let a lot of it go, that Ive moved on, but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt sometimes. I enjoy being the grown up one, but Im cynical. I dont take anything at face value anymore. You wanna know why I love punk and hardcore music so much, because everyone involved is like me, damaged. We are all fucking cynical, and we all look for something deeper. For most of us something made us this way, something made us choose a path that probably wasnt our original choice, but you know what we still get somewhere. Our original destination may have been lost through the trees but the clearing we find suits us.
I love some parts of my life, but I hate almost as much of it. Most days I cant find my way, Im following a well trodden road when I should be doing something better for myself. The question is, is convenience killing me inside? I know Im starting to put measures in place to get where I want to be, but is everything else gonna stop me getting there. Am I gonna be strong enough to put it all to one side and move on. I hope I will be.
Ups and downs dont make life easy. Right now I dont wanna get up off the sofa, but tomorrow I might feel like drawing 20 pictures. Which ones really me, is either of them really me? Who knows. But right now I just want the oppurtunity to feel like a newly wed. To enjoy the first few weeks, but nothing wants to let me. Everywhere I turn something else is going wrong or making me feel like shit. In reality, yes getting married made me really grown up, but I was always that way, and sometimes I just dont want that responsibility.

If this is a test
I'm losing my shit
Would it kill you to care
As much as I did?
If this is a test
I'm wasting my breath
You're a stranger I know well
And not at all

Cuz I wear my heart on my sleeve,
my appearance may be deceiving,
it doesn't matter what you think,
because the truth is in me!
This is the life I chose,
this is the only thing I know,
so don't pass judgement on me!
The places that I've been,
forever written on my skin,
so don't pass judgement on me!

You see me walking down the street,
and you grab your kids and cross the other side,
looking me like i'm a fucking criminal a degenerate lowlife,
you got me all wrong!

Cuz I wear my heart on my sleeve,
my appearance may be deceiving,
it doesn't matter what you think,
Because the truth is in me!
This is the life I chose,
this is the only thing I know,
so don't pass judgement on me!
The places that I've been,
forever written on my skin,
so don't pass judgement on me!

You know you can't judge a book by it's cover,
you know you got me all wrong,
and I know my appearance may be deceiving,
but I feel...
I FEEL IT ALL,
SO DON'T PASS JUDGEMENT ON ME!

Call me idealistic if you want, but respect is all I ask for.

I may not share your views but I respect them, so respect mine.

I may not look like your everyday garden variety worker, I refuse to wear a suit, I only own jeans, I can't remember the last time I left my house in anything but black, but you know what I'm happy. My job is shit, I know it but I chose not to work for some big corporation. I don't sell out for my job, I work hard but it's not the only thing in my life.

I stand up for what I believe in, I refuse to let others be treated like shit. I spend my spare time trying to achieve my dream, I may not be getting anywhere fast but I'm trying and that's what counts.

So respect me for my efforts and I'll respect you for yours.

I started writing this journal because I wanted to be honest with the world, but more importantly I wanted to be honest with myself. I realised this last couple of weeks that sometimes that can be harder than I want it to be.

There are a lot of obstacles in life, for all of us. I'm struggling to "man up" and find a way around mine. I want out of my job, but the reality is I can't come up with anything better to do with myself right now. I have dreams. My dream job is to give it my all on my own, to put my art and my words out there and inspire somehow. My reality is I'm not ready for that, so what do I do between now and when I am. I know only I can answer that question but right now I'm lost.

There are only a few in my life that can understand why I'm lost. I refuse to compromise, I'm not about to take something into my life that isn't me, I'm not prepared to work some corporate job and compromise myself. Maybe that's too idealistic of me, but maybe it's what's right for me. I like my identity and am prepared to fight for it. I know fighting for it will exhaust me, I know it's going to be hard but I also know at the end of it all I'm going to be able to hold my head high and know I didn't compromise my integrity.

I will be strong, I will always remember the Fuck You and I will put every waking moment into making myself proud, because ultimately I only have myself to answer to.

A year ago I sat on this couch late at night and made one of the biggest choices of my life. I took my life in my own hands and made a choice to improve my life, to choose something to enable me to get better. I chose to become straight edge. I chose to believe in myself, to believe in my own ability to right the wrongs in my life, to step up, with a clear head, and just be me. Many people argue about straight edge, but for me thats what it stood for. Sure I needed to get rid of certain things out of my life and that went hand in hand with the straight edge principles, but it is the belief I hold in the straight edge philosophy that has enabled me to evolve, to better myself as a person. Although I count December 5th as my official straight edge birthday I can say that as I sit here tonight I am proud of myself. This year has been a rollercoaster, but its been special for many reasons. Throughout the ups and downs I have remained strong and I have put myself one step closer on the road to becoming the person that I want to be, the person that I should be, and the person that I want other people to be proud of. For those of you that have helped me get there, that have shared the special moments, and the bad ones, thank you. Without you I wouldn't be where I am.

Lets celebrate my birthday with pride.

Forgotten

I do.

How do you tell someone that you're messed up?
Awkward question isn't it. When do you tell them is an even better question.
I've been messed up a long time, being bipolar has presented me with both good and bad opportunities, thoughts and problems. It created a lot of problems for me in the past, and now my past haunts me every day. Not many people understand me, not many people even get to see the real me but I'm lucky that I have a few special people in my life that understand. But even then some understand more than others. The one person that truly gets me saw me through the bad times, and helped me create the best times. She saw the shit and forgave me for it, she saw through the mask, got to the real me and made feel like I was worth something. She understands I can be insecure, that I still feel a yearning for my "crutches" from the past but never looks down on me for any of it. That's a real friend as far as I'm concerned.
The other people in my life try hard, my other half gets me but finds it hard to understand parts of my life sometimes. He met me when I was picking up the pieces and never saw all the difficult shit from my past so he doesn't understand sometimes. I don't hold it against him but it hurts sometimes.
I can only show people what I feel strong enough to show them. Sometimes I can be me with no problems, life feels easy and I can live my life without even thinking about it. Other times, like now, aren't so easy. I can't stop thinking about my old vices to help me through, I lack confidence in myself. The only thing holding me together is my belief in the straight edge philosophy. Without it I'd have been drinking again, hurting myself again, looking for ways out instead of trying to believe in myself, trying to trust myself. I've stopped taking all my meds and it's nice to feel like I'm controlling me again, I don't feel like some pill is telling me how to be, or what to feel anymore and that's great. It's gonna take me a while to find a relative normality again though. I know there's no such thing as normal but I need to feel my creativity again, to have a passion for something that isn't fake, to produce ideas and artwork to back up those ideas. My art is the thing that I want to be my hideaway from my life, I want something positive to go to, rather than something destructive. I know me choosing to give up my meds has been hard for the people around me - I know it's going to be a difficult thought for a lot of people, so much that only two people know that I've stopped taking them but I honestly feel this is the best thing for me. At this point in my life I want to be able to take the positive things that the meds have helped me achieve and see if I can maintain them on my own steam, with a bit of perseverance and some help from my loved ones. Being straight edge I hate putting things into my body that aren't good for me and now I feel that these aren't good for me. All I now ask is for the people around me to respect my decision, to support me, but to not stop looking out for me, cos right now I need their help more than ever. I may come across as an independent figure but I love you more than you'll ever know and I want you to be with me every step of the way. I want you to be proud of me but not to expect too much of me, cos I don't want to let you down cos hell I'm not perfect and I never will be, I'm just lil old me, trying to find a path through life that'll get me out the other side.
So back to my original question. Telling someone that you're different isn't easy, everyone sees things in such a black and white perspective, normal and different. Most people don't understand that people like me can still lead normal lives, and that's where the honeymoon ends, as soon as you tell them the truth, about the real you, usually people run, they change, they don't mean to but most people can't cope, they don't know how to look at you in the same way that they used to and once you learn to deal with that it becomes easier to cope with people walking away, it becomes easier to cope with that sorrowful look in peoples eyes, or that scared look, the "oh my god your crazy" look. I get it in so many walks of my life, I get it when I tell people I'm bipolar, I get it when I tell people that I'm straight edge, I get it when people look at my red hair, when people look at my black clothes, when people find out I'm not "mainstream". I also get the "I'm so sorry" look when people see my crutches. It's the black and white normality issue again. They see me as different. I've learnt to cope with that now, it just makes me appreciate the special people in my life more. It makes me realise how lucky I am to have them in my life, now if only I could get the other people in my life to understand why I want to be near the people that I'm closest too and things might feel a lil better.
I may feel strong enough to say this right now, but I need people to remember that I don't always feel strong. I often need help, and I've given up feeling ashamed of that. I recognize that I can't do everything myself anymore. But that doesn't mean that I'm not scared to talk about things, I'm always scared that my thoughts and revelations will finally convince people that they don't want anything to do with me anymore. I'm still scared that trying to help people understand certain aspects of my life will eventually just push them away, I'm scared that if my other half knew the true extent of my past he'd leave. I'm scared that if my family knew half of the staff I'd done they'd push me away, and although I'm not exactly a member of a close family, they still mean something to me. I know there's people out there that wouldn't understand that but I can't help my feelings. How do you tell someone that loves you so much that you still sometimes feel like hurting yourself. How do you tell them that without causing them excessive worry or guilt. How do you explain that certain problems from your past still scare the crap outta you, that maybe in the future, probably sooner rather than later, you're gonna need to find similar people and search out their help in order to survive when they don't understand that the problem was that big an issue in the first place.
I want the people in my life that love me and care about me to know how much I appreciate it, I know it must be so hard to love me when I'm in a destructive place and I'm probably still difficult to love when I'm not but I really do respect the fact that you are strong enough to stick around through both the good times and the bad. I'm never ever gonna forget the way you pick me up when I'm down, or things that you've put up with, the things you've kept close to your heart for me, the times you were there for me when I needed you, the times you hugged me when I couldn't have lived without that hug and the times when you just plain looked after me, cos without you and your caring heart I wouldn't still be here. So just remember how special you are, not just because of all that, but because you are special and I'm never ever gonna let you forget that. I just hope that I can always be there for you like you've always been there for me.
Thank you.

Everyone should have a friend like you
You are so much fun to be with
And you are such a good person
You crack me up with laughter
And touch my heart with your kindness
You have a wonderful ability
To know when to offer advice
And when to sit in quiet support
Time after time
You've come to my rescue
And brightened so many
Of my routine days
And time after time
I've realised how fortunate
I am that my life includes you
I really do believe that
Everybody should have a friend like you
But so far it looks like
You are one of a kind!

Special -  it's the only word I can think of but it doesn't do her justice.

She means the world to me but I never say it enough, so here I am telling the world how great she really is.

I try and understand, and be there for her, but I'm probably not as good as I used to be. Things are different now, times have changed, but feelings haven't. I still do my best to be there in times of need, to have a laugh, to stand up and be counted on her behalf.

I make choices not only for me but to make her proud. In a few months she'll be a world away from me again but this time I'm determined that as adults we fight to stay close. I'll stand up and be counted not just for her but for me. I'll continue trying to be a better person so that when she hears bout what I'm up to she'll know she left me in good hands this time round - my own.

I just want her to remember that life's shitty sometimes but our friends are our rocks, she's impacted my life in a such a positive way that no matter what she'll always have my respect and that I'll sacrifice and compromise in order to ensure our friendship never fails.

And here I am promising a lifetime of real friendship. I hope it doesn't get much better than that.

So I finally spoke to my boss, he said I could work part time. It feels good I have to admit. I know its gonna be shit hard work but Im really looking forward to it. Going to art college is a big dream for me, being able to work towards setting up my own illustration business and working on the projects I want to work on would be great and I hope that one day I can make my dreams a reality.

I've been on holiday since my last post, it was nice to be away from my day to day reality. I found it hard at first, being away from that reality, I'm not very good with a change of routine but I made progress as the holiday went on and by the time I came back I felt a lot better for being away. Going back to work was crap tho. My boss has been a bit of a pain the ass over the last few days and now I feel a bit indifferent about it all, but I'm sure its just me being tired and grouchy on a sunday night before I go back to work. Oh well.

I'll post again tomorrow with some proper thoughts and not just a random rambling.

So it's like quarter past five in the morning and I'm sat here writing in this journal cos I can't sleep. My other half is laid in bed besides me fast asleep and I'm jealous of his ability to fall asleep almost anywhere. I'm probably thinking too much or something, that's probably why I'm awake. I need to talk to my boss and tell him I don't want to do a full working week anymore, that I want to go back to college and study art, but there never seems to be a right moment. Business always seems to get in the way.

I'm taking my mate out for her birthday tonight so that should be good, though I've gotta navigate my shrink appointment today as well. I've been really ill in the last couple of days thanks to the dentist so I'm not really in the mood to talk about me to someone. I hate teeth, and painkillers. Both have combined to make me ill and force me off work and as I don't get sick pay that's a combination that's bound to put me in a bad mood and up shit creek when the time comes to paying the bills.

I'm going to see Good Charlotte tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, hoping it won't be quite as full of teenies as a lot of the concerts I've been to recently. I've never seen them live before so I don't know what to expect but I really wanna see how it all holds up live, especially the River as it's one of my favourite songs at the moment and it'll be interesting to see how they nail the Avenged Sevenfold parts.

Holiday next week! Thank fuck! I'm going up to Leeds to watch the cricket for a week. I know that sounds really boring to most of you and really odd for someone like me to want to go do something like that but I love getting away from reality for a few days, holing myself up in a b & b and watching a relaxing sport during the day. It's nice to do things at my own pace but not be laid around on some beach doing absolutely nothing. At least with the cricket there's something to watch!

Right my laptop battery is almost gone so I'm outta here.

Sorry I kinda fell off the radar over the last few days - well over the last week but I figure that there aren't any of you out there reading this yet so it's OK! It's been a tough week for me, I've been feeling pretty down, been to see my psych etc. I'm still not totally used to my meds and now she's upped the dose so I've been dealing with being constantly tired and having dizzy spells - just what I wanted - especially as I'm not a fan of medication and would rather not have to take high doses of all this shit! I want to start a program for making changes to my life so I don't feel like all I'm doing about this is taking meds - cos that to me is no better than the other coping mechanisms I used to use - like alcohol before I quit that life and became straight edge. I know I've gotta start thinking about sleeping patterns and all that stuff but I haven't really found much out there on the net that's willing to provide any kind of answers and my psych doesn't want to talk about all this stuff til I've got meds that "work". Whatever that means, frustrating or what?

Anyways I don't want to talk about all my bipolar stuff like it's the end of the world, I'm just a bit down thats all and I can't seem to find anything that excites me enough to want to do it. I get up every day and do the daily chore of going to work etc and then I come home and I just want to sleep - it's not exactly doing anything for my relationship - or my studying for that matter - a major downside of being ill and trying to juggle too many things. I've already quit two of my study modules this year and withdrawn from two exams - I don't want to give up on anymore - I already feel like I'm failing as it is - anymore quitting and I won't be able to start over. I've gotta find a balance but I don't even wanna do fun stuff, it takes me like an hour to convince myself I wanna play my bass or draw something - and then I have to get over finding out what I wanna draw or what I wanna play which takes like a whole other half hour so by that point I've wasted more time than actually gets put into the actual thing I eventually end up enjoying for like 20 minutes - though it's nice to enjoy something! That's why I love concerts cos I force myself to go to them - I tell myself to stop being a jerk - that I'm not gonna waste my hard earned money and then once I get there I usually end up loving it - unless the bands shit of course! Thankfully I managed to get out of bed on Sunday and saw Lostprophets at Wembley which was a great gig - loving Taking Back Sunday as the support act too! Though I wish I could TBS on a headlining tour - I've been loving Louder Now since the moment it came out!

On the brighter side I think I might have decided what I want to do with my life! I really feel passionately about the way teenagers are treated over here - well the world over really. It's always presumed they shouldn't have a voice because they aren't adult yet, and that if they are given a voice they won't use it wisely. Programs for teenagers are always designed as if they were still kids and not young adults and I want to use my creative impulses to work creatively with both kids and teenagers but especially teenagers to show them that there is a life out there for them - that it doesn't all have to be about violence that creativity can get you out of trouble too and give you something positive to direct the rest of your life towards!